How To Keep Your Man -- Don't Have A Headache

Men (and women) stray. They break their promises and commitments. It happens and it's horrible. Cheating is no respecter of a church, courthouse, temple, or synagogue marriage. I don't believe cheating (usually) happens out of thin air. Generally there are months or years of disconnect between husband and wife. Maybe you don't foresee an affair, but but are you connected? Is your marriage rockin' hot or mediocre? How does your man feel? Have you asked him?

A mutually satisfying sex life is a powerful tool to bind couples together. One study explains:
"Sexual satisfaction has been identified as one of the most important factors associated with relationship satisfaction, which in turn is associated with relationship stability (Kumar, 1986). The three most common issues correlated with divorce are financial management, sexuality, and parenting. It is possible that a better understanding of the antecedents of sexual satisfaction could lead to interventions to improve sexual satisfaction and in turn relationship satisfaction and stability, and ultimately a reduced divorce rate.
-From the study, Examining the Relationship Between Antecedents of Sexuality and Women's Reported Level of Sexual Satisfaction During the First Five Years of Marriage.

As a wife you hold in your hands great power. You have the power to make your husband feel like a man or make him feel like a mouse. While a man may stray despite your love and effort, the chances are diminished if you compliment his biceps, tell him what a fabulous lover he is, or thank him for providing for you.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger puts it perfectly:

“Men need validation. When they come into the world they are born of women and getting their validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. And when the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like a hero, he’s very susceptible to the charms of some other woman making him feel what he needs. And these days women don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give a man what they need... I hold women responsible for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.”

Neither Dr. Laura nor I are suggesting you become your husband's sex slave. Far from it. The point is to learn to enjoy sex. Stop having a headache. Choose to not be too tired. You cannot control his actions, but you can control your own.

I am here to help my readers think about, and if necessary, change their actions. Most of my readers are girls, so I direct this to you. If my readers were predominately men, this would be a much different post. This message holds truth, of which I am a seeker. Don't allow your feathers to be ruffled. See the message for what it is.

Today, put aside your own wants and needs and think solely of him. What does he need today? What could you do to make him feel like a man?


  1. what a great post and so true. this makes me want to have sex with my stud muffin every day. thanks for yet another great post!

  2. True. Each of the two sexes had their own needs. Women need to open their eyes and see what it is that their men need (such as the above blog post). Men need to do the same. If more people would focus on what their partner wants/needs instead of themselves, there would be more successful relationships. But it has to go both ways...

  3. Good post, Gwen :) I so appreciate your blog and the message that you convey through it. For a lot of reasons, my hubby and I have had a sort of rough start when it comes to sex - it was very, very difficult for the first year or two of our marriage, which was very, very discouraging. Things have gotten better, but my attitude had been changed about sex - it's hard to want it when it hurts, and even when it stops hurting, the association is still there. Your blog has helped me change the way I think about sex, and things have gotten significantly better in the last several months. Thank you :) (I'm sure my hubby is thanking you too...)

  4. Last night I woke up the hubs at like 3 am for a little 'play time' as he affectionately calls it. after, i told him we need to pay more attention to us, including our love life (espeically on my end) -- needless to say he was not disappointed =) thanks for keeping us ladies motivated and providing a little insight to what the other half wants/needs, even when he doesn't say it =)

  5. It has to go both ways but I agree with this!

  6. I do see what you are trying to say here...but I can't believe you would quote Dr. Laura. She has no credibility, in my opinion, especially after her latest comments this month. Also, her quote is an attack on women, especially if you read the entire passage, instead of just quoting the part of it that you posted.
    The thing is...it is not just about sex. If it were only that easy. Good relationships take hard work and a mutual respect and compassion for and from both parties. A bad sex life is almost always connected to underlying issues in the relationship (unless the cause is physiological). Until those issues are straightened out, it is hard to have the type of intimacy that makes for good sex. If you are going to quote experts, find real ones. Dr. Laura has no business giving advice on this issue.

  7. I agree with Andrea. I tried reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage," looking for ideas of how to be a better wife and partner. All I found was a tirade against feminism. After her racist comments on her show, I don't think Dr. Laura is someone who deserves to be quoted on a respectable blog like this one.

  8. Gwen, I think you are SO profound and spot on! What I love about this blog, is that you discuss ways to have a better marriage that involve my actions! I am sure there are thousands of ways my husband could make our marriage better, but you talk about what is in MY control! This post is one of my favorites!! Also, I LOVE the one about Good Intentions... that post really really changed the way I think about my husbands actions (or in-actions)... It's so funny what a little perspective does! :)

    Also, about Dr. Laura... I have not read where this quote came from- but I think what you quoted is perfect. I have noticed such a big difference in my relationship with my husband, since I started giving him the validation he deserves (something I heard Dr. Laura says years ago).

    Thanks Gwen!

  9. Thanks for your comment, Andrea. All viewpoints are welcome, and I can understand your perspective. I don't mean to lessen the importance of other aspects of a healthy relationship. And I agree that a relationship isn't all about sex, but my blog puts an emphasis on that aspect of the marriage relationship since there aren't many resources that discuss marital sexuality in a healthy, positive light. As you said, a bad sex life is frequently connected to underlying issues; however, negative underlying issues are also frequently caused by a bad sex life. It's different in each situation. I'm merely trying to do my best to help women improve their marriage by utilizing an often overlooked and underestimated tool: sexual intimacy. Sex in marriage is frequently misrepresented and maligned, so I want to portray it as the beautiful, good, and bonding act that it is. Experiencing the full benefits of sex isn't easy. Using your words, it takes "hard work and mutual respect and compassion for and from both parties."

    And regarding Dr. Laura, I don't agree with everything she says either, but I do believe that the substance of the quote I posted is true. Thanks for your comment.

  10. Who knew? Dr. Laura is even causing drama on a sex and marriage blog.

    The most interesting part about the "don't have a headache" line is ironically, studies show that sex is actually the CURE for a headache. OUCH! Can't use that excuse anymore.

    Gwen, nice post! I'm sure us fellas have no qualms with it!

  11. What do you do when it is he the man that keeps running away from sex, you need to beg him before he can have sex with you, and when he finally decides he just goes in with no foreplay at all. This is really frustrating and painful.

  12. Do you have suggestions for the man to be able to last longer? Is there some sort of cream or something that helps with that? I feel that I may have more of a desire for it if the intercourse lasted longer than literally 30-60 seconds. I can have clitoral orgasms with foreplay, but the intercourse doesn't last long enough to do anything. Suggestions??

  13. Great post! I am not married yet but I love reading your advises.

    Thank you

  14. I think the women who have the hardest issue with posts like these, are also the ones who are the most unhappy in their marriages. The bitterness they have just oozes from their words. Nothing worse than a bitter woman. But enough about that....

    The common question we all have is "who should go first?"

    Women say: If he were nicer, helped around the house, and treated me better, I'd be more in the mood for sex.

    Men say: If she had sex with me more often I'd be nicer, help around the house and treat her better.

    I picture both spouses with their arms crossed waiting for the OTHER person to start playing nice! Thank you to Gwen for suggesting that we ladies just jump in and go for it! To love as we'd want to be loved regardless of whether we think they deserve it or not.

    Some ladies hang themselves with their own noose of resentment. But if you love like you've never been hurt, you'll reap the rewards. Its easy to get nitpicky with our husbands' faults. A good roll in the hay makes us all a little more gracious toward them!

  15. I love Dr. Laura! I listen to her almost every day because she can shake me up and help me see another viewpoint, especially on marriage. My husband says she really understands men.

    Thanks for this post- a wonderful reminder that sex is not just about our own pleasure but to express love to our partner.

    For those ladies not in the mood, I've found something that works for me. If my husband and I do a scripture study/discussion, or can sit and cuddle and talk for awhile, I feel a lot closer to him. It is hard to feel like IT when you feel like a glorified roommate. So, we try to make time for emotional intimacy each night to really spark the physical side.



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