Staying in Love

Do you remember your first hug with your spouse? Your first time holding hands? Your first kiss? Was it exciting? How do we keep those feelings strong as we go through the stresses of aging and raising children? How do we create a love and marriage that endures?


Regular, consistent bonding behaviors -- that I talked about in my last post -- can re-sensitize our brains and bodies to feel the excitement and thrill we felt when we first met our spouses. We can become even more receptive over time to subtle bonding cues, like cuddling and kissing, if we make an effort to perform them unselfishly and frequently. The author, Marnia Robinson, from psychologytoday.com explains:
There are some curious aspects to bonding behaviors. First, in order to sustain the sparkle in a relationship these behaviors need to occur daily, or almost daily. Second, they need not occur for long, or be particularly effortful, but they must be genuinely selfless. Even holding each other in stillness at the end of a long, busy day can be enough to exchange the subconscious signals that your relationship is rewarding. Third, there's evidence that the more you use bonding behaviors, the more sensitive your brain becomes to the neurochemicals that help you feel relaxed and loving. (In contrast, intense stimulation sometimes causes tolerance to build up.)
Marnia Robinson, The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

Robinson's article relates some experiences of her readers. These two experiences from couples who have been married for several years illustrate this bonding principle perfectly. The first is an experience told by the author's friend:

Though it was after 11 PM, we cuddled. For about two hours. Ecstatic cuddling. I had experiences last night that I do not have immediate words for. Rich, deep, full. Subtle. Powerful. Moving. Meaningful. Pointing to greater connection with all life. We were in connection. In the same wave, as she put it, like a flock of birds wheeling in the sky as if with one mind.

The next experience was from a husband who experienced this same fulfillment from bonding closer to his wife:

My wife and I just had guests for three weeks, and kissing, cuddling, complimenting each other, making love, etc, took a back seat. Now, it's like we're partial strangers. . . [I]t's become clear to me that 'going off' one another is the result, rather than the cause, of a dearth of cuddling.

Lack of cuddling eventually leads to lack of desire to cuddle, whether through laziness, habit, resentment or indifference. Cuddling (all bonding behaviours included) causes the desire for more cuddles. It is a beneficent biofeedback machine, just as the absence of bonding behaviours seems to be the opposite. Everyone will be familiar with young lovers not seeming able to get near enough to each other. Well, we've experienced the same, repeatedly, as a result of initially scheduling bonding behaviour and watching it snowball.

If serial cuddling doesn't come naturally (i.e., a couple isn't an inseparable pair of young lovers) it seems absolutely critical to schedule bonding behaviours. It's as critical as an exercise regime, should a person have decided they like the outcome of exercise. In this case, assuming a couple likes the idea of feeling as close and as in love as parent and child or star crossed teenagers, time and effort have to be employed.

Actually, it's hardly any effort at all. The effort is in remembering to do it, and in overcoming any underlying resentment that might make that 'remembering' more difficult. Initially, the bonding behaviour need only be one activity a day; and that activity needn't last longer than a minute, though it could, of course, last a lot longer. I think it needs to last at least as long as a minute, as, in our experience, that's enough to start the snowballing effect. Bonding behaviours then become automatic and seem to replicate themselves in abundance. It's not so much that they become a habit, like brushing teeth; they are more like a drink that we develop a liking, and then a recurring thirst, for, not because of the obvious beneficial effect, both short and long term, but because the taste becomes inherently irresistible.
What do you think? Do you think it's possible to maintain the love spark forever?


  1. Gwen - Great post! Of course it's possible... It just takes work and both parties have to want to work to maintain the relationship.

    I wish my parents would read this... I would kill to see them spend sometime together cuddling!

  2. Gwen- I do think it is very possible. My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary and we still love to cuddle snd have that conection with each other. Don't think its that easy we have two kids and they wear me out and his day at work wear him out as well, but when he comes home we are both just as happy and excited to see each other just as much as when we met in highschool. We take our time to say hi to each other and hug, thouse are one of my favorite moments. By the end of the day we lay in bed together and cuddle, we have such a deep connection with each other that we both love that we always end up wanting more.

    Thank you for this post and evry post you have put.

  3. I sure hope so!! I absolutely LOVE cuddling...at night, in the morning...

  4. I think it's VERY possible. If both people continue to show interest in each other with acts of love & service, then there is no reason your love for each oher can't grow with your age. My husband and I have been together 6 years (with 3 wild kids) and it seems we grow more and more deeply in love as time passes. We always make time for each other. Even if we have to sneak away in the bathroom for a bit just to be alone. During times of frustration, I just remember all the great things about my hubby. No one is perfect and how boring a relationship if they were?



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