Sensate Focus Challenge: Level 3

A few have asked for tips to improve their sex drive. Try sensate focus for a bit and I'll do a follow up post to answer this question more in detail. Sensate focus generally has a 75% success rate for increasing desire so give it a try.

Level 3: Nondemand Touch Including Breasts and Genitals

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 2. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? What was it like to have gentle touch without expecting intercourse? Is it safe to talk about touch? Are you anxious while discussing these exercises with your partner? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 3.

Level 3 of sensate focus includes more nondemand touching and caressing except now you may include breasts and genitals. Which areas are more sensitive than others? Do you find you are aroused with some kinds of touch but not others? Do you like oral or manual stimulation more? Do you find yourself tensing at any point? When? Is it easy for you to stay relaxed? Is it okay for your partner to just directly touch genitals or do you prefer touch in other ares first? You have a few choices here. You could explore by stimulating close to orgasm to figure out what is arousing for your partner. (If you want to veer a bit, you could stimulate to orgasm. If you’re experiencing any anxiety or nervousness or tenseness then do not include orgasm. Remember, orgasm is not the goal. These exercises are to increase sensitivity and intimacy.) Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume. Leave the lights on.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

How's it going? Do you find that you are having a hard time staying tuned in? Is it difficult to do nondemand touch without intercourse?


  1. Thanks for the amazing posts. I'm going to propose this idea to Hubs tonight. It sounds like a good way to mix things up.

  2. I over think it and concentrate too much on the fact that sex should be feeling good, and that kind of ruins it for me. I'd like to find ways to be in the mood or turned on leading up to sex.

  3. have any of you had to talk your husbands into participating? i was excited to see the sensate focus challenge because i think it could help with a lot of the things i've been struggling with....but when i suggested it to my husband and showed him the post he didn't seem too enthused. :/ maybe i'll try bringing it up again but i'm a little embarrassed now. i guess i was hoping he'd be more excited, haha.

  4. My experience was like anon@2:01 PM above. I'm a very apprehensive about opening up about my sexual feelings because my husband usually changes the topic and shies away. I feel like he closes off to me. I'd LOVE suggestions too!

  5. Take charge and tell him that you have a fun, and pleasurable, excercise for you both. Tell him the rules, and what you expect to get out of it. If he realizes that you think it will help YOU personally, and not give him the impression that it is for HIM, then he will be more willing to participate. He will find that it helps both of you to communicate what you each like, and how you like it done. You both win with these excercises!



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